Getting to know myself

Thursday October 11th, 2018

I’m writing these first lines sitting in the same chair of the same house in the Empordà countryside where more than two years ago I was finishing the details of the new image and website of Working Girl Lifestyle. Since then, the life of WGL (as I like to abbreviate the name of the blog) has taken many turns dragged by the future of my own. And I want to tell you a little story…

There it goes.

It scares me to think of the last time that I felt active in the blog, and it hurts the fact that the only responsible for this long absence is me. Months ago I was angry to think that laziness was the reason that held me back to continue with something that so much effort and dedication had cost me, and that also had given me so many joys. Above all, because all the time, enthusiasm and affection that I had poured in Working Girl Lifestyle was being validated with an incredible response from the community that had been created around. Its essence connected with more and more working girls.

Although to this day the pain persists, because I don’t stop feeling that all this time ago I have abandoned something that is a part of me (remember the post about the disappointment with oneself ?), the anger has given way to acceptance because now I know that in all this silent time the noise has been elsewhere.

I’ve been busy getting to know myself.

Almost two years ago something happened that switched me off. Until that moment I felt like I was a torrent of endless energy that didn’t understand doing nothing, but after that turning point my revolutions began to lower and lower until reaching the bottom. In this story that I tell you, it doesn’t matter what happened but what happened in consequence. I changed. Laziness became part of my character and of my way of dealing with the day to day. I let myself be overcome and dragged by the negative emotions when everything that happened around didn’t go as I wanted (yes, even the most foolish whim), when until then I always tried to look for the silver lining. Somehow I managed to stay the same on the outside, but inside I felt powerless to do anything other than the strict and simple routine of sleeping, feeding and working. Moreover, there was even a time when I didn’t want to go to work and on Sunday afternoons I was plunged into a state of sadness and oppression. And you know what was the worst of all? I didn’t understand WHY. I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin because I was not the one I thought I knew. I thought it would only be temporary and soon would happen. Naive of me, not knowing everything that was about to come.

What was coming was that, almost without knowing how, I ended up landing at that time in the 20s where they say that after a lot of tumbling you end up knowing yourself. It has been a long and tedious process, but perhaps its value is precisely in itself: in the work of introspection, in the silences of reflection, in the confrontations against my worst enemy (myself)… They have been very hard moments in which I have felt how one half of me was battling against the other half. The desire to return to being who I was facing the desire to settle and give up the restlessness and curiosity that gave me so much life.

I reached the summer holidays exhausted. This mental battle had consumed all my energies and the circumstances surrounding me were not helping me either. I think I had never needed so desperately to make a break to completely disconnect and start healing, this time really because, so far, all had been attempts in which I took a step forward and then two backwards.

Now, finally, I can take a deep breath. I have reconnected with myself. I have taken time to get to know me again and I have learned to feel comfortable with all my contradictions. And I’ll tell you something: this is being my best invested time ever. I know I still have a way to go, because I still have a lot to let go of. For now I have overcome the feeling of guilt that has accompanied me all this time for not fulfilling my own expectations (or perhaps those of my old self) and I have assumed that nothing happens. That it’s OK. That in the long run, this time in which I have been lost has turned out to have an infinitely greater value than anything else.

I feel a chill of emotion as I feel that I am beginning to take perspective. It is possible that if you know me you have not noticed anything, but I assure you: I feel totally different. My mind is clearer than ever and I am accompanied by a new way of seeing things and relating to myself and others.

I am looking forward to sharing with you everything I have learned, the habits I have adopted, the recipes I have tried, the resources I have discovered, the books I have read, the videos I have seen …
Would you like to join this new chapter in Working Girl Lifestyle?

A.

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